I’ve put this off a while, so I had a chance to digest the whole experience. I met Saint Peter recently (aka San Pedro Cactus) via the help of a friend who has recently moved to Peru and is going through lots of training in the spiritual realm. “Spirit”, she told me, “advised me to take a certain number back with me, and I am thinking one may be for you”. It started just like that.
But let’s rewind… I have a few friends over the years who have traveled to Peru and have sought answers this way. I also have friends who have tried Ayawaska, Mother’s Milk, and other things that are all basically the same thing in my book. I decided to read up on these techniques for answers, in a number of books and online. I watched and read pretty much everything I could get my hands on. I read the history, the rituals, the preparation, the beliefs, all of it. And then I watched the Sundance Film Festival Winner, Crystal Fairy and the Magic Cactus, which was about a San Pedro quest (and a real winner in my book, I LOVED this movie!) So after considering all the information, and dealing with my own fear arounds drugs, and not having any experience in my past with hallucinogens, I decided to do it.
Part of the reason for my willingness; I had recently come to the conclusion that I would move, and start over somewhere new. I would move to a more populated area. I would go back into the work force. Give up art. I would learn to talk to people and enter the race again. Maybe I would date again. I made lots of really big decisions. I still had not told many people, but I felt like If I wanted to survive, make money and get ahead, I would have to leave the mountains and my reclusive lifestyle, and try something different. I was ready to begin a new journey. Scared, but ready.
I felt like a trip on San Pedro may give me guidance. I don’t go to church anymore. I wasn’t sure where else to turn for answers. It was worth a try. What the hell. It seemed like all that could happen is that I get sick.
I was meeting with Saint Peter with two other friends. One friend, I was only just getting to know, and another whom I love dearly and have known for some time. We were in my friend’s house that I have lived in, and felt safe in. We all three cleared our day of phone calls, phones, computers, visitors. We drank our nasty cactus juice in the morning around 11:00 am made from prepared powder that we mixed with water. It was the most disgusting drink I have ever tasted. I was told to drink it fast and not to think about it. Knowing my own personal gag reflex, I decided this was a good idea.
After about 45 minutes I started to feel hot, and sick. My friend’s house smelled like onion. He had decided to make dehydrated onion bread earlier so we would have something to eat with our veggie soup later when we were hungry. The smell wafted up my nostrils like a hammer. I told my friends I would go outside, since I felt surely I would be sick, and was not comfortable doing that in front of anyone. So I wandered down to the lower deck and sat in the sun. Eventually my friends started wandering too.
After about an hour and a half, I lost it. It seemed like I threw up everything in my stomach. maybe even more. It was as gross coming the other direction. Here’s a strange note though… We drank our SanPedro from a ground powder, which we mixed with water. But when I vomitted, what came up was in fact cactus chunks, and skin. As if that was what I ingested. But it is not what I ingested. But it came up whole. Like it was the cactus, in whole form.
I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one left at the house. I called out to my friends. I cried, Am I alone? Am I alone? Looking for help, a rag, some water, anything to make this feel better. It seemed like a long time, but my friend reached out. I was not alone. But there was moments where I was sure I was alone.
I then agreed to shamanic clearing work. Energy work, clearing my centers. I felt great digging in my solar plexus, where I felt my nausea. I closed my eyes and just let whatever be whatever. My new friend practiced her healing techniques, and gifted me her hands.
After that, the day just unfolded. I found I could not be inside too much. I felt closed in, and it smelled like onions, so I stayed outside either on the grass or the deck.
My new friend hung out with me. I was able to talk candidly about my life and experiences with her, and found myself sharing things I had not with anyone else. When this happened, I felt very emotional and afraid. My other friend stayed inside. He was having trouble being warm. In fact, he was freezing, and ended up bundling himself and layering himself, and still felt freezing. He could not come outside for long without running in for covers, hats, blankets. (Note: it was not cold out).
The hours passed quickly. I did not have lights or grids or movement or hallucinations outside at all. I had read that a lot of people experienced vibrant color, grid works…. I did not. I had overwhelming grief over a couple things that came up for me, I had emotional moments which I don’t typically have, and I was thoughtful. I stayed outside until 5:30 or so. I cried some, thought a lot. Felt a huge need for a nurturing person. I was mourning the loss of a nurturing relationship, and it felt pretty raw during this moment.
Afterward, I came in to join my friend bundled on his bed. He was shivering. I felt incredible love for him as I saw him there, and felt like I knew why he was shivering. We all joined together at this point. My friend’s artwork he had on display in his home started to move. I saw the painting backgrounds moving, clouds flying by, vessels dripping off the canvas. The art everywhere came to life. I found it hard to look at for long because I don’t like not knowing what is real. I kept forcing myself to look away. But it was so interesting how things came to life.
A couple hours later, art was still moving, and shapeshifting was happening. I saw my friend shivering, and saw him turn young, and afraid. He kept wanting to run away – in the other room, get to bed, go to sleep, leave the room. My other friend, who was doing a lot of the talking, started to change in her appearance. I was staring at her as she spoke. She clearly changed who she was and I had to keep adjusting my eyes. She became a nun for a short time, and I saw her for who she would become. She was not a Catholic Nun. She was another kind. She was older, and heavier than she is now. She was not the same person. She kept looking different. Her weight changed, her smile changed. Her eyes changed. She kept shifting. She clearly became a nun, with a message, and a path. She spoke from a place of great truth, that someday she would wear for more than just me.
My friend talking had also gotten physically sick a couple times, but my shivering friend did not. I felt like he fought a while to not get sick and maybe would have felt better if he had allowed it. I felt like they both thought they were sick from me. She told me she had not been sick before in this ritual, and that she cleared a lot from me. I believe this is true. She may have. But I don’t think that was the reason for her sickness.
I went home around 11 pm, and was able to get to sleep around 2 am. The next day my body was so sick. I had broken out in a rash all over my chest during the night, and had scratched myself raw. By noon the next day it was gone. I was then shitting cactus, burping cactus, feeling basically like a cactus for three or four days. I was convinced that I smelled so strong that I refused to go to yoga class because I felt like I was a walking oozing cactus. It was disgusting, and I realized I poisoned my body.
I remember thinking a lot that this seemed like a very HARSH way to get answers. I get more answers when I meditate than this technique. I felt like this was just some spiritual excuse for drug use.
But I was wrong. I waited to see what would come next. It had to be more than that. It was an ancient truth. I couldn’t question it too much. I watched, and listened to everything. Very intently.
I talked to a witch friend in another state. I didn’t tell her anything of the experience. Only that I had participated and that I had been with two friends (both of which she does not know) , and she said this , ” He is not comfortable revealing himself, peeling layers to his core. He can’t do it ” “She does not know who she really is yet, she is becoming.” So interesting, I realized that the symbolism of the onion, reminded me of him, and here he was cooking onion bread. The onion, layers upon layers, and at the very core, a small seed. The inside of an onion is like a tiny onion all over again, in case you never noticed. Like it almost starts again…. He bundled himself up, layers and layers. And my new friend, who has shapeshifted a few times in the last few years in her life, was shifting and changing right before my eyes. She may be an incredible Mother Madera someday. The witch was right on.
So, within the last three weeks, I have had lucid dreams every night when I sleep. I no longer forget my dreams, I now remember everything. I wake up not knowing if I am dreaming and wondering what is real. I am getting messages and waking up finding out they are true – about people in my life, and situations.
And within this last three weeks, I have changed my mind about moving. I thought I had made a lot of decisions, but I didn’t. I undid everything.
I forgave myself for a couple big things. I allowed myself to be a certain way. I accepted some things about myself. Seems like a couple things lost some power.
I don’t think I would ever do this, or anything quite like this again. I am glad I did it though, because I have always wondered if I was missing some answers. Some big thing. Like I was being excluded. I liked finding out that I was not.
But a gate was certainly opened. For this I am sure. It appears as though I threw myself into some hormonal change – or something. Because my sleep state is no longer the same. My dreams are vivid and unforgettable.
I have two dimensions that seems pretty Crystal Fairy.