So today, I decided to start my TM practice. I read a book recently dealing mainly with all the people standing behind this as a viable tool that is starting in schools and more with incredible results. Transcendence is the name of the book. So in line with trying to transform my own life, and being in a desperate kind of place, compared to other places I have been, I decide today, to not only begin this practice, but blog about it. This means sharing things that I may not otherwise do out loud with words with people. I actually don’t feel close enough to anyone to talk to anymore. This is partially my own fault, by pulling away and shutting down, but I feel it may also be universal changes and desitiny in play here, so I try not and question the process too much. But I do ask for guidance. And with the hope that people reading this will know that I am not crazy, but I do have my own beliefs that I have pulled from experiences in my life that have me believing certain things, and rolling with this evolvement that is my own path. My faith was important to me in my life, obviously, or I would not have taken becoming a nun so many times in my life so seriously. Donating myself to the greater good is usually on the forefront of my brain. So it’s a natural feeling for me. Catholic background, strict Irish, Boston Family. It wasn’t unnatural. I do believe I have two guides that I have been aware of for many years. I do know what they look like, and over the years have learned their language as my intuition. Ruby and Grace. I should tell you about them someday.
Okay, so back to the now. Today, I am faced with so many decisions, very little options, and a feeling of some serious helplessness. I am financially crushed for the moment and trying to rebuild from taking on so much for so many years, with so little. As I go through stuff since giving up the fight to keep my home of almost twenty years, bouncing around, trying to recover, to survive, I find it hard to have faith in anything anymore. It’s scary. Something has to be done. It’s so hard when you are drowning, you owe money, you have issues to deal with and you can barely feed yourself and drive your car without running out of money. It’s parylyzing, I won’t lie. I smile and try and keep the chin up during the day. At night though, I am gripped with fear. I dream every night of titanic waves and storms and losing my way, waking up in hotel rooms and not knowing where I am. Feeling like everything was fake, not real. Where were my kids? How old am I? It’s sounds Crazy Town, I know. But whatever. I don’t know how to get through all that’s happened without a little of my artistic hairs getting all knotted and having a reaction.
This is taking a while to get to the point, but consider this my introduction, confession, whatever. I read the TM book the other day while we were being hammered with a storm. I was sold enough to give it a try. I have nothing to lose. It wasn;t a book that taught technique. It was more selling you on the benefits, and some HOW’s but I still feel lost as to technique.
I am dogsitting on the Cartecay river, and I have the gift of a dock over the river to start this practice tonight. It is also very nice outside. I will set my I-chi timer on my iphone for twenty minutes. I am shooting for doing this morning and night from this day forward. I will write about my process. Maybe I can track my success. Maybe you can watch. Maybe we can help each other in whatever we are seeking. I’m heading down the dock with an open to anything kind of heart.
On a funny note, I watched Long Island Medium before I went out there, so I might tap into some kind of faith in something, and right now, she is the only person that can provide that apparently. If John Edwards was back on, i’d watch him too. I am finding the need to constantly reassure myself that I am only a tiny speck on this planet.