I have four blogs. Tonight is the night for this one. It has nothing to do with theogical research or religion. Just my spirit. Just me.
Anyone close to me knows I have serious anxiety disorders around my body, which keep me from the Doctors. I did go, and so did my girls, but I will be honest and say that as my kids got older (and so did I) my fear grew larger and their father was the one that took this on. His police background, now nurse made it easy to feel like they were in great hands and I could just trust and not get caught up in the worry.
The last time I took my daughter Meghan to the Dr. I think she was 16. 17? and she ended up locking the doctor and nurse out of the room. And me. I had to do some serious Irish threatening skills that day to get that kid to calm down.
The thing is, I think I might be worse.
Today, when I walked into the room, she was as white as a sheet. I immediately went to her face and said why are you so pale? Even though i knew she went through all this, I still knew something else was wrong. So far, with my little love child I have been able to tell everything large, just in my gut.
She gave birth 8 weeks early after going to her ultrasound for a dvd of her new daughter and was told there was no heartbeat. She was taken in, and given an emergency c-section.
The baby has some heart issues, and smaller lungs than what may be needed right now, but it feels like she is in good hands at Kennestone Hospital. I felt like she was. She still is unnamed.
But I came home with my granddaughter and daughter Lainey, and everyone is asleep right now except for me. And I started getting glimpses of my life, and all the memories. The house feels really different now than it used to. School buses and trips and homework and Drama, and Band, and friends, and graduation ….