Tonight I had friends come over that are long time friends…Many years. My daughter and Rikki have been friends since almost first grade. They just lost someone very close to them. They are preparing for a funeral service and the disposal of someone’s ashes, and wishes. I have to admit that I don’t feel like a very good friend in this arena. I have been through everything with my friend, from the adoption of her three nieces after her sister fell down, to her now departed stepson, with her beloved Jill that ended up in separation through this terribly hard situation.
As i watched my 16 year old daughter sit on the couch with her lifelong friend, and like a daughter to me – Rikki, all I could think of was me, and how it would feel for me, and how I would feel if it were my daughter, and I lost her. It was hard to get out of the ME. I start feeling this urge to cry, moan, or jump, or maybe a combination of all three. Pick my skin, repeat words til I fall asleep, or just fall asleep mid-sentence which is always unfortunately uncomfortable. And, I’m not sure if it is the lack of medication or what stops me – but I say STOP!, inside my head!! I just can’t. and remember to go backward, to honor and be light, and i remember that I don’t need details and I don’t need words, because I already feel it. Some people can talk about death, some people cannot. I feel what it is, and I don’t want to, til I have to. I need to be the lighter part of this equation, not enter the dark part. If I do, it can be hard to exit.
I can’t feel what Jill feels because I just can’t. All I can do in a situation like this is honor my friends, and how they are feeling, and hope that they get through it, and hope that I can offer even the littlest bit of energy toward them getting there. I spend focused time sending them love, and have blind faith they get it. I am a well traveled soul. I know how to deliver.
Wylie was 11 when he died last Friday. I remember thinking, I am so relieved for him because I felt his pain when I looked in his eyes, and how I wanted to feel like he was in a better place, and no, I don’t think that is simply for my benefit, but honestly something I can believe in. His eyes spoke truth and they just hurt. He was tired, and was living for the sake of his wonderful loving family.
Just being around him for a short period of time makes you appreciate your life. Even if it’s hard.
My daughter was close to Wylie, and Rikki was his sister, and we feel and experience this in our way by honoring his life, and having fires with intention for his karma, and sending energy and laughing and still loving and being light.
But This is when I admit to having past selfish feelings like, I think it would be easier if I were dead. Then I think of my daughters and change, but I get so overwhelmed with life at times, that I admit to having those feelings. And when something like this happens, it makes you ashamed of feeling them.
Some people can talk about everything. Even plan to sing at someone’s memorial service when they aren’t even sure if they can. I can only promise to feel way too much and suffer from it, and love with my whole heart. But I give my friend the purple heart medal for being able to do this. I mean it.
I spent all day crying. Just Emo about my house and the future, and life and death, and losses and stuff like that, but I spent today realizing I have had so much support from people that I don’t even know and I feel overwhelmed by life all on it’s own. It made me think about life. The WHOLE of life which includes death. And somehow this delivery of even more blind faith than you had before.
My death, I’ve planned for it with life insurance, but in absolutely no other way. It is for the people left behind – not the dead, for they are dead. It is for the living.
Maybe soon I can look at death without such fear.
Or anything else for that matter. I honor my friends tonight, in the way that I can. I’m so very sorry that you have this to experience and the pain you must feel. I offer nothing but love and unlocked, open doors.